Mamarazzi©

When my good peoples at Double 7 asked me to write about my experiences in Hollywood on a weekly basis, my first thought was "I live in NY! I'm not Hollywood." Then it dawned on me,I spend a great deal of my time on airplanes, taking meetings, auditioning, and sipping Henny's and coke poolside at The Standard hotel while sneaking peeks at the young ladies in bikini's. To the average cat that sounds like some real Hollywood living, kinda...I mean almost. I have a "team" that consists of high powered agents, managers (both business and personal), a cool publicist, attorney, and a celebrity liason on both coasts who makes sure I'm taken care of at all the cool restaurants and clubs. I've been stopped by tourists before for the quick photo op and even signed an occasional autograph (usually say something cool like "one luv" or "God Bless" ). But then there was that time when I had a big "celebrity Birthday party" thrown in my honor at a Manhattan hotspot and the chick at the door almost made me and my friends stand in line while she let Jessicca Simpson in (whom I've still NEVER met), that wasn't too cool. And most times when someone does send a limo to come pick me up my name is spelled wrong on the placard in the window. Not really household name stuff. Oh, and then there was the dinner party last week where the mouthy light skinned chick form Jamaica asked me what other job I had to "sustain my acting thing"...huh? You wouldn't ask a full scale Hollywood cat that would you? I guess one could say I'm almost Hollywood, more on the outskirts of fame than actually famous. That's cool I guess. There's money in that, not to mention the occassional groupie (as long as I get to her before Constantine from American Idol).

No Hollywood star, full blown or almost, is complete without the flashing lights and general carrying ons of the pushy paparazzi. After all, if they didn't snap your shot, where you really there? Being on the outskirts, I'm usually only photographed when with my truly famous friends or completely unexpected places like the grocery store in the valley or jail (looooong story). But whenever I'm going to a major event and don't want to worry about whether or not my presence was documented, I bring along my own personal Mamarazzi©. The mamarazzi© consists of my mom and my auntie Vickie armed with winning smiles, disposable cameras, and no shame in stealing pics with any and all celebrities big and small. Of course they're not card carrying memebers of the paparazzi and usually like to be in the photos themselves, but they do manage to catch the coveted shot of Sam Jackson waiting on his limo to pull up or Lucy Liu having a laugh as she exits the ladies room.

Much like the paparazzi, the mamarazzi© sets out their plan of action well before they arrive at the event. They make sure they are equipped with enough cameras and usually take a small power nap in preparation of the big night. Unlike their competition, they have the luxury of arriving with their very own invites and often times in the limo with me. This gives them a leg up on those ususally annoying shot seekers because they can and do use the fact that their son/nephew is in the movie which softens their subjects up a bit. My mom, smartly, uses the time before the lights go down at a premiere or opening to scan the audience for celebs that she plans on getting shots of at the afterparty. If she doesn't exactly know what they do or their names, she'll do her research which usually consists of asking me or anyone around who the subject is and then expertly jotting it down for future use. Not afraid of pushing or shoving to get the right shot, the mamarazzi© can be aggressive and sometimes downright pushy! But just as said subject is about to reach their brink of patience the mamarazzi© charmingly smiles and gushes about how proud they are of their son/nephew and immediately the person melts as they are reminded of their own family. My mom and aunt's penchant for taking pictures of everything used to annoy me to no end as a child and quite honestly those habbits sometimes still drive me a bit batty. But nothing can take away the pride I feel when my family shows off the fruits of their labor at gatherings and my mom brags about the fact that she is on a first name basis with Bruce Willis. Even as I eventually plant both feet in Hollywood and will no longer be considered "Almost Hollywood" but rather at the forefront of it, my family will always be around to remind me that these moments are to be cherished and most importantly documented. Long live the mamarazzi©! If you don't have one to follow you around, I'm sure I can lend you mine for the right invite.

Tabloids and the White Man's Burden

Oh the the holidays! Time well spent getting fat off of momma's cooking, drankin' with the drunk uncles, catching up with old neighborhood friends, and ,making New Years resolutions. New Years resolutions are always a lot of pressure. Who wants to think about the things you feel you came up short on this year, or even worse straight up failed at? But a funny thing happened to me this season. I realized that I had achieved so many of my resolutions from the year before that I decided to add a vice, therefor I can have something to kick by the end of 2009. I considered possibilities: sexaholic (too cliche plus, what is too much sex..really?), shopaholic (too lazy to be up in somebody's store for hours and not collecting a check), drugs (man I'm 30 plus! What the hell do I look like starting a drug habit now? That's just childish)! Tabloids? Bong, there it is! I'm always so out of the loop whenever caught in a conversation about the latest celebrity gossip. Not in 2009 jack! From now on I will be able to tell you in what restaurant Paris slapped the taste out of lilo's mouth (a real tabloid reader refers to the celebs by first name or nickname if you're a real fan).


The first thing I did was check out the various gossip sites to bone up on my celebs and their shenanigans. It's crazy the stuff that's considered newsworthy. I swear I saw 5 pictures of Jerry O'Connell eating! Eating salad actually! OK, maybe I'm not up on why that's a big deal. Well, dude was the fat kid from "Stand By Me", so perhaps it's a celebration of the positive effects of a healthy diet. He's in pretty good shape these days. I can dig that. There's a lot of talk about Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston, and Angelina Jolie. Jealousy, deceit, infidelity uuuhmm about 4 or 5 freaking years ago! They have been divorced for years. I'm so confused. I also found a lot of little tidbits about the kids from "High school Musical" and "Twilight". Boy those kids like to party! You can find pictures of them at everything from the opening of a club in Vegas to the opening of an envelope in Omaha. I came across a few pictures of Jessica Alba and her mom walking in Central Park, Amy Winehouse doing what she does best...drugs, and Michelle Rodriguez looking quite sexy on a beach in Honolulu. Then I came to a perplexing picture of Cacee Cobb digging a thong out of her ass crack. Who is she again? The description said she is a famous celebrity assistant. Famous huh? You sure?


After about 2 hours of "research" (gossip can be quite time consuming) it occurred to me that, save for a few blurbs of Oprah or the occasional shot of Beyonce eating Popeye's chicken, there was no mention of a single black celebrity. Tabloid surfing was feeling more and more like my history classes in grammar school. Let them tell the tale, black people don't exist. Tabloids equate to white folks at parties, white folks eating dinner, white folks shopping, white folks with black eyes, white folks with stains on their shirts, even white folks sitting cross legged! Initially I was offended. Why didn't I see Will Smith coming out of the local sushi spot? Isn't it conceiveable that Kim Porter (the mother of Diddy's kids) and Kimora Lee Simmons may have some play dates with the kids? I hear Jamie Foxx likes to party. No shots of him with Asian twins in a three way kiss at the Mirage in Vegas? And if we MUST have the shot of a young "celebutante" digging her thong out of her ass, my vote is for Christina Milian! Why are black folks so underrepresented in the tabloids? Is this a throw back to the 60's when the only news printed in white papers regarding black people involved murder or mayhem? Or is the white community really so self-involved that they just don't care about what anybody else is doing?

Eventually I calmed down and put a halt to the mass email I was typing urging my black friends to boycott all non black media. Good thing I cooled my heels, because I hate infomercials and that seems to be the advertising of choice on our negro entertainment sources. The thought of only watching chittlin circuit TV on TBS still gives me the chills. Don't get me wrong, 20 minutes here, 30 minutes there every now and again should be the standard requirement to keeping your "Black Card" current. But that's all I can really take. Then somebody put me on to the black celebrity gossip sites. OK! Here we go! Black people on the red carpet...cool, good start. Oh snap...Tyra's shopping again...well she is rich. There go Mekhi Phiffer eating lunch on Melrose...uhhm ok. Damn with all these rappers beefin', you mean to tell me NO black celebrities caught a black eye this month? I see Christina Milian went to Miami again. Can I get a thong shot or something? Finally a picture of Jamie Foxx....with his daughter (who's very pretty BTW). OK if you scroll down: there he is humping a stripper from the back! I knew my boy wouldn't let me down! Get it! Aside from that, I have to admit, black celebrities seemed to be pretty tame. Can it be that they just don't get mixed up in shit? Do they really "Keep it in the house?" as momma would say? Can it be, that as a whole, black celebrities have managed to demonstrate good old fashioned Home Training? If you let the tabloids tell the tale, the answer is a resounding "YES!" Not since Barack won the election have I been prouder to be black (psudeo-celeb at that)! Check us out! Knowing how to act and shit!


I once had a white celebutante tell me that her publicist joked that she should skip our outing and go on a date with a white actor who was arguably as (un)known as myself as it would make for a better publicity move. Although I laughed it off at the time, I wish I knew then what I know now. I would've told her to tell her publicist that hanging with me is a guarantee she won't get publicly drunk, a black eye, high on cocaine, or caught in a three way kiss with another chick involved (at least not on camera). Truth be told, I do think the white media is self involved. Granted you won't find a single black celebrity smoking crack on home video singing "Kill Whitey" songs, nor will you find paparazzi parked outside the home of and waiting to catch a glimpse of Angela Bassett taking the garbage out. The simple fact that the media is largely run by white people means that their priority is going to be those who represent them. Good for black celebs, sorta shitty if you’re a white celeb who has any desire to privacy. I know brothas get into messes (I’ve had my fair share of scrapes and scuffles), but by and large, the tabloids don’t care very much. If you’re white in Hollywood, I guess you can call it a gift and a curse.